Majestic's Answering Machine Message...
If you are easily offended by sarcasm, you might not
want to read this! Years ago someone emailed me this
joke only it was from the point-of-view of a dog
shelter. I changed it out and made it more fitting for
Hello! You have reached Majestic Waterfowl Sanctuary. Due
to the high volume of incoming calls, please listen
closely to the following options and then choose the one
that best describes your situation:
Press 1 if you think we
are veterinarians and want free medical advice.
Press 2 if you know
we are not veterinarians, but want to save money and
have us give you free, uncertified medical advice
Press 3 if you make
more than $100K a year, want us to jump up and
immediately rescue a duck or
goose in your area, but do not plan on making even a
nominal donation to compensate us for our time and
expenses or to assist with the animal's care while they are at our sanctuary.
Press 4 if you are
calling to demand that we rescue a duck or goose in your
area while advising that you can't be of any assistance
whatsoever because unlike us, you are "a very busy
person." As soon as we get home from our full-time
day jobs, meet the needs of our family, care for over 30
ducks and geese, 4 cats and 1 dog, we will be sure to keep
your "unforgiving" schedule in mind.
Press 5 if you are
calling to try to make us feel guilty for not driving
eight hours out-of-state to rescue a duck or goose in
6 if you are calling because we have no room
for the abandoned duck or goose that you've discovered
and you'd like to blame the bird's fate entirely
if you have a 5-year-old duck and your 7-year-old child
has "suddenly" become allergic and you need to find the
duck a new home right away.
Press 8 if you had a
baby and want to get rid of your ducks because you are
the only person in the world to have the responsibility
of a baby and ducks at
the same time.
Press 9 if you are calling to surrender your
duck or goose to us because they are sick and need vet
care, but you need the money for your vacation.
Press 10 if you just
purchased a brand new duckling and your old ducks is
having problems adjusting, so you want to get rid of the
old duck right away.
Press 11 if you have
bought your children a duckling or gosling for Easter
and it is now July 4th and you are no longer finding it
12 if you're lying about your pet duck or
goose being a "rescue" in an attempt to trick us into
feeling bad, so that we'll take them off of your
Press 13 if you are elderly and want to adopt
a cute duckling/gosling who is going to outlive you.
Press 14 if you are
seventeen, plan to go to college next year and would
like to adopt a duck or goose for your parents to take
care of for the next 4-8 years while you are gone.
Press 15 if you have
never stayed in the same apartment for more than two
years, want to adopt a duck or goose and believe that
your next landlord will not have a problem with this.
Press 16 if your
relative has passed away and you don't want to care for their
beloved duck or goose because it doesn't fit your
17 if you need to relinquish your duck or
goose because you believed that they were "low
maintenance" pets and now realize that you have to spend
more than 15 minutes a day caring for them.
Press 18 if you are
moving today and need to immediately find a new home for your flock of
twelve non-imprinted, loud and aggressive geese.
Press 19 if you need
us to drive out to your home and remove your flock from
the road where they are in danger of being run over
because you think it's cruel to fence them in.
Press 20 if you need
to surrender a dozen ducklings to us because it is
against your religion to addle eggs.
Press 21 if you need
us to take your twenty newly-hatched ducklings because
you didn't notice your hens sitting in the same exact
nesting place DAY-AFTER-DAY for four weeks straight.
Press 22 if a
predator just killed your duck or goose, you still
insist on keeping them free range, and you want to adopt
a "replacement" duck or goose to alleviate your concern
for your local food chain.
Press 23 if you want
to volunteer, but do not want to get your hands dirty or
work hard unless you are going to be paid.
Press 24 if you have
been caring for a duck or goose you rescued three years
ago, are moving, and suddenly determine it's not your
if we were not able to take in your duck or goose due to
space limitations and you are calling to offer us twenty
dollars if we can just make "a little more room."
Press 26 if you
would like to relinquish your extremely "friendly and
healthy" duck or goose that is actually terrified of people and
is almost entirely lame.
Press 27 if you would like to surrender
your pet duck or goose because you ignored our advice and kept it
free range, it was attacked by predators, needs
life-saving surgery and you can't afford or deal with it.
Press 28 if you are
calling in cold weather to advise us about an abandoned
duck or goose you've been feeding all spring, summer &
fall, which you did not tell us about when it was warm,
but now don't want to care for anymore because it's too
cold outside for your comfort.
Press 29 to leave us
an anonymous garbled message, letting us know you have
left a duck in our yard in the middle of January, which
is in fact better than just leaving the duck with no
30 if you calling to complain because we
are not going to take your pet duck or goose that you have
had for ten years because it is not our responsibility.
Press 31 if you are
going to threaten to take your duck or goose to be
euthanized if we can't get to your house within the
32 if you want one of our completely
imprinted and friendly, perfectly healthy, purebred Call
ducks that we have an abundance of.
Press 33 if you want
us to take your goose that has a slight aggression
problem, i.e. has only bitten a few people and killed
your neighbor's cat.
Press 34 if you have
already called once and were told we are full-to-capacity, but thought you would get a different person
this time with a different answer.
Press 35 if you want
us to use vital space that would ordinarily go to an abandoned duck
or goose to board your personal pet while you are away on
vacation, free of charge, of course.
Press 36 if it is
Easter morning and you want us to deliver a newly
hatched duckling or gosling to your house by 6:30 a.m.,
before your kids wake up.
Press 37 if you are
frantically calling about an abandoned duck or goose in
immediate danger and you have no intention of calling us
back in a few minutes to let us know that you found
someone else to help instead.
Press 38 if you
don't have the kind of selfless dedication required to
open up your own sanctuary, but would like to advise us
on how to better run ours.
Press 39 if you were
turned down for adoption because your waterfowl
enclosure did not meet our minimum standards and you
would like to ridicule us about our requirements rather
than fix up your crappy pen.
Press 40 if you just
brought a nest of twelve wild mallard eggs home because
you did not see their mother around and just wanted to
if you believed that feeding bread products to waterfowl
was a good diet option and are now wondering why they
are not doing so well.
Press 42 if you
believe that domestic ducks can fly and are wondering
why the white duck you dropped off on the pond up the
road did not migrate away with the wild Mallards and
Canada geese and is now sitting all alone out there.
Press 43 if you are
calling in June to brag about how well your four
Spring-hatched drakes are getting along. Please follow
the prompts to schedule your urgent call to us next
March when all hell breaks loose.
if you are calling because the six straight-run
ducklings you purchased turned out to be five drakes and
one hen and you suddenly realize why we recommend a 1:4 drake to hen ratio.
Press 45 if you are
surrendering your pet, but don't plan on telling us how
sick or injured it is until you actually arrive and open
the pet carrier.
Press 46 if you want to relinquish your
pet duck that poops all over your house, not at all like
the apparently "potty trained" duck that you saw on Friends.
Press 47 if you want
to surrender your pet duck "Aflac" because he isn't
anything like that duck in the commercials.
Press 48 if you need
a duckling immediately and cannot wait because today is
your daughter's birthday and you forgot when she was
if your new love doesn't like your flock and
you are too stupid to get rid of the new friend (who
will dump you in the next month anyway) instead of your
if you are a resident of a foreign country interested in
coming to the U.S. and are willing to volunteer your
services "petting the ducks" in exchange for free room
board--meals included, of course.
Press 51 if you want
all the credit for saving an animal's life without
making any effort other than dialing this phone number.
Press 52 if you want
us to board your duck or goose indefinitely, at no
charge, so you can still visit and enjoy them as pets
without having any of the responsibility.
Press 53 if you are
calling to complain because our sanctuary is
full-to-capacity in lieu of actually doing something
about it, like make a donation or actually put in some
volunteer hours to help us build more pens.
Press 54 if you are
calling to blame us for not stepping up to stop the
cycle of waterfowl abandonment in your area because
heaven forbid you have to rise to the occasion and do
something about it yourself.
Press 55 if you are
calling because you think it is more important that we
use our extremely limited space to take in your
inconvenient pet rather than reserve our slots for
homeless ducks and geese facing starvation and death.
Press 56 if you are
calling to ask us to "rescue" ducks or
geese that "are not owned by anyone," but just-so-happen to be
living on someone else's private property.
Press 57 if you
don't think the information on our website advising you
to email us in lieu of calling applies to you because your
situation is unique and far more urgent than everyone
Press 58 if you
think we are Animal Control and want us to drive an hour
out to your neighbors to advise them that they are not
caring properly for their flock.
Press 59 if you need
to surrender a dozen ducklings because you couldn't be
bothered with picking up eggs every day, but are
bothered by the end result.
if you actually read through the information on our
website regarding what to do when you find an abandoned
duck or goose, are feeding it Mazuri waterfowl food
until you catch it, have lined up a half dozen
volunteers (one with a boat) to help you with the
rescue, have a vet lined up to see the bird after its
safe capture, have built a predator proof pen, so you
can keep the bird yourself, have been pre-approved by us
to adopt a friend for them, so it won't be lonely, and
are sending us a donation to thank us for all of our
support. Bless you!
Okay, it's just a joke... but if
you knew how many of these things we've actually run
into you'd probably fall over in shock--it's TRUE!
Waterfowl Sanctuary 2005, 2006, 2007, 2008, 2009